Quite a few people have asked me over the years if it "feels different" with my adoptive children. If I have a "different love" for them than I do with my biological children. I always think these are slightly funny questions to ask someone who has adopted, but at the same time, I get it. It's hard to know what the relationship and love looks like when you've never adopted or experienced it yourself. How can someone love a child so much that they didn't carry for 9 months, right?
Well let me tell you, you can. I love my adopted sons JUST AS MUCH as my biological children. As much as I share my adoption stories with you to give you a good understanding of the process, NOTHING compares to going through it. As much as I try to put it into words, I never will fully be able to. It's changed me. It's made me a better mom. It's changed my relationship with the Lord for the better. It truly has been the best experience in my life.
Do I love my adopted kids more? No. Is my love for them different? Yes. Actually, I love each of my kids in a unique and different way regardless of if they are biological or adopted. Why? Because each of them are different and they bring a different type of JOY into my life.
I see it in my husband too. This picture says it all. The love he had for Daeston was evident from the second he laid eyes on him. HE WAS HIS SON. Trust me, if you've ever thought about adopting, I can promise you that you will receive a love you never imagined before. A love that fills your heart so much that you can't imagine life without it.
We spent a day at our host home just relaxing. After a busy day of pictures and celebrating Valentines day the night before, we just wanted to spend time bonding, playing games, doing puzzles, cooking supper, and snuggling!
We FINALLY were able to get out of the house and explore Charlotte, NC with the kids. But first things first, we needed haircuts, some fun outfits, and NEW family pictures taken ASAP. Remember the photographer, Heather Marie Photography, that took pictures with Jerik? She was one of the first to find out that we were losing him and then she was one of the first people I called when we found out about Daeston. I asked if she would be willing to take our pictures again but this time with the whole family! She was SO excited and I couldn't wait to hug her in person again! You know those people that God brings into your life at the most perfect time? It was her. God knew I needed her when we lost Jerik, and He knew I would need her all over again through this adoption. The most beautiful thing, she is STILL a part of my life. She has 4 blonde, blue eyed boys and a beautiful baby girl! I just only wished we lived closer so we could let our kids run around like crazy together while chat and take lots of pictures of our beautiful chaos! I love how God brought us together, and she will be a friend for life.
Want to know another really AWESOME thing? God brought SNOW to North Carolina, so it was only fitting to get some pictures outside since snow is pretty much our life back at home. To top it off, we went back to the same location where we took our pictures with Jerik. A place that held so many memories already. Although it just snowed days prior, it was a beautiful day in the 60's so it was perfect picture weather. Our kids had a blast running around in the snow and it made for a beautiful, pure white backdrop!
This picture is still one of my favorites and I only wish I could fly her here every year to capture our family and how it has grown. These pictures show what family and love are all about. I don't think I will ever forget that day and the JOY that filled my heart. I already plan to fly back to North Carolina and have her shoot our family pictures in that SAME spot again someday!
You know, I would be lying if I said I didn't worry at all about how my kids would respond to having a new baby brother. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know how they would react or treat him, but I was blown away. Honestly, I remember thinking, if only adults could be loving and accepting the same way kids are. Kids love without expecting or wanting anything in return and it's beautiful.
I was so excited to see how Coyer was with his new baby brother. I thought he would be the one wanting to hold him and care for him all the time, since he's the one that wanted a "brown" baby like him 😉 It was different than what I thought though. Coyer tended to care for Baylic and want to play with her and Kedren was the one always right next to Daeston. It was HIS turn to be a big brother and take care of someone that needed him. He was the one asking if he could feed him, help change him, and snuggle with him. He was too young to really be a help when Baylic was born, but this time he wanted to be the big brother.
There is nothing sweeter than sitting back as a mom and watching one of your children love on the other. I know that I would have regretted it BIG time if we would have left our kids at home. I would have missed all these sweet moments and memories. Moments that are SO important to have from day one. Daeston was not only bonding with Danny and I, but also his siblings and that was just as important.
We spent the day "locked up" in the house waiting for some snow to melt so we could venture out with the kids and let them burn energy. We ALL needed to get out, including mama. 😉
Day 2 in NC consisted of snuggling Daeston ALL DAY LONG. We all took turns, but Kedren BY FAR was the baby hog. It was so cute to see how much the kids adored their baby brother and wanted to be "helpers."
Because of the blizzard, the city shut down so we were stuck inside with the kiddos. We had the most amazing host family and while we stayed inside with the two littles during nap time, they bundled up the big boys and took them outside to play in the snow! They were in HEAVEN! We just couldn't believe that out of all the times we were in NC, that we had to deal with SNOW! I was looking forward to a warm getaway with the family, but that wasn't going to happen;)
I was able to give him his first bath (by me) that night and he was NOT a fan. Of course, once again Kedren had to be right next to him, even in the bath tub. It's these simple moments, even as an adoptive mom, that are so special. Every mom looks forward to the moment they get to bathe their child for the first time, feed them, swaddle them, and have them sleep on their chest. These moments are NO different than those we share with our biological children. I just loved that we were able to share all these "firsts" as a family. Watching how much Kedren adored Daeston made my mama heart melt.
Adoption is not always easy on every family. It's not always easy for every child. However, I'm so grateful that we got to share this journey as a family and grow together. I know that my kids are who they are because of it. They do not see color, they see love.
Our first stop as a family was Chick-fil-a. We don't have those back home, so it was a MUST for lunch! Plus, I couldn't wait to get Daeston out of his carseat and hold him! It maybe wasn't the best choice, considering we were in the middle of a blizzard, but the snow was not going to stop us South Dakotans. It was also REALLY nice to have the whole restaurant to ourselves!
We named our son Daeston Job Christian Fergen. Daeston was a name that Danny and I chose together. Danny loved Dalston (a street name) and that was a little to "normal" for me, so we made his name up and fell in love with it! Job was chosen as his middle name because our two other sons also had biblical "J" middle names. Job was extra special as it reminded us of the pain that Job endured, yet He still praised God through it all. Through all the pain in our adoption process, we continued to trust in God's plan and He brought us PURE joy with Daeston and we praised Him for that. Christian was his given name at birth and we always wanted that to be part of his name and story.
After grabbing lunch we went back to our host home for the night. We couldn't wait to start bonding with our little man and watch Coyer, Kedren, and Baylic interact with their new baby brother. They could not get enough of him and he was passed around the entire night. Honestly, I never could have dreamed up a more perfect night. It was an emotional night, a night where I remember crying tears of joy for how God displayed His unfailing love for our family through the gift of Daeston. I will be honest, the 3 weeks prior I wrestled with God. I questioned Him, I was angry with Him, and had a cold heart. God brought me through that time and brought me closer to Him. I HAD to trust Him and through the hurt and pain I ALWAYS knew deep down inside that His plan was always better. Now, here I sat holding my baby boy and I didn't deserve him. I was CHOSEN to be his mother and it was my prayer that very night, that God would receive all the glory in His story.
My prayer is still the same today. I pray that through Daeston's life, God will receive the glory in everything he does.
The door opened and the foster mom (who happened to be the same foster mom that took care of Jerik) walked into the room. She walked right up to me and laid our son in my arms. There were actually no tears, just HUGE smiles as I looked down at my precious baby boy and my three other kiddos surrounding him. It was a dream come true as we all stood there staring at him. This 6lb. baby boy was OUR SON.
Being able to share that moment as a family literally left me speechless. I don't remember much talking, I just remember us all being enthralled with him. It didn't take long before all the kids wanted to have their turn holding their baby brother. They passed him around, kissed him, touched his fingers, and put their cheeks against his. After a little bit I was able to give him a bottle before we had to leave.
We were not at the agency long because of the weather, but we were okay with that. We couldn't wait to take off as a family of 6 and head back to our host home for snuggles!
Before leaving we took a few pictures as a family, of our son with his foster mom, and then also some with just Danny and I. His foster mom went over a few things with us, explained his routine since he had left the hospital at 2 days old. We then put him in his car seat, bundled up all the kids, said our goodbyes, and took off! It all seemed like such a blur, and then there we were, driving with four kids in the back seat. Danny and I could not have been happier!
IT WAS TIME. We got a call asking if we could come a few hours earlier to the agency because the snow was really starting to pick up and they wanted to close the agency down due to weather. Was that even a question?!?! YES, we would be more than happy to come earlier. We said a family prayer before leaving, loaded up in the van, and were on our way. (Can I just say, this snow was NOTHING compared to SD snow! 😉) I will never forget looking back at my three kiddos thinking, this is it. Our lives are about to change in a BIG way and our family will never look like this again. The best part, NOTHING could change that. He was officially ours. We didn't have to worry about heartache this time, because all parental rights had been waived. We would FULLY enjoy this moment without any fears and that gave me SO much peace.
We pulled up to the agency and all the butterflies came flooding back. I was a ball of nerves and excitement and I didn't know how my kids would react. I kind of turned into crazy mom trying to keep them calm, quiet, and looking decent. I just wanted this moment to be perfect and to soak up every minute together. This moment was even better than the last time because we were able to experience it as a FAMILY. GOD WAS SO GOOD!
We were greeted by the director who quickly went through the paperwork and signing with us before our son arrived. She wanted that all to be done before he came so we could just enjoy our time as a family and so we could get on the road before the snow got worse. We waited only 10 minutes and then were told that they were just about to the agency. We were left alone in the conference room to wait, just our little family. The kids were running around like crazy and so we calmed them down and explained to them what was going to happen in just a few minutes. Then the director came back in saying that they just pulled into the parking lot so we should get ready. She took this last family of 5 picture for us and then it was time!
24 hours after getting "the call" we were on a flight heading south to meet our son! The kids were so excited to meet their baby brother, but let's be real, they were more excited to ride in a plane for the first time 😉
We arrived in Charlotte late after several delays and carseat problems. We were BOUND and determined not to let the devil get in the way of us meeting our son. Our kids were troopers and did so well with being up SO early for our morning flights. For some reason, out of all weeks there happened to be a HUGE blizzard coming to NC within the next 24 hours. Yes, I said that right, a blizzard in NC. 😳 We joked that we were just taking SD with us so our son would know what real life was going to be like! 😜
We drove to our host home (the SAME host family we had with Jerik) and could NOT wait to see them again. They were so excited to have us, meet our other kids, and experience JOY with us again. It was beautiful to see how God had a plan through it all and watching the puzzle pieces come together was a little overwhelming for this mama.
We all slept SO good and were up bright and early to get ready for the day. We had two bedrooms upstairs to stay in and I remember walking over to my kids' room to peek on them. This would be the LAST morning we would wake up as a family of 5 and I couldn't wait to see their faces when they met their baby brother for the first time. The hours could not pass fast enough!
We tried to focus on having lots of family time over the next three weeks. We hosted a Chinese New Year’s party on January 31, with some of our close friends, just for a reason to enjoy some Chinese food and dress up. Little did we know, something very special was going to happen that night.
10 days later my heart stopped as my phone rang during the middle of a daycare morning. I look down at the name and it was our social worker. She told us that the next time she called it would be with good news, otherwise she would just communicate by text or email. So I knew this had to be what we were praying for.
I quickly ran upstairs to get away from some of the noise so I could actually talk with her. I'm not sure I did much talking though. All I can remember is walking into the nursery (that was once supposed to be Jerik's) and sitting down in the rocking chair. Then I heard her words, "Are you ready to go back to North Carolina?" My first thought was Jerik's birth mom had changed her mind and he is now was officially ours, but she continued.
"You have been chosen by a birth mom and you have a son who is ten days old. He was born on January 31, and is heathy. He is currently with a foster family and because the ten days have passed the birth mom's parental rights have been waived. He is YOURS."
Friends, I had never cried so many happy tears in my life! Heidi continued to share more details with me and asked how soon we would be able to get to NC. I told her I'd leave that day (but realistically I knew I would need a little bit more time than that.😉) Danny and I decided before this call that we wanted to experience this adoption process with our children this time. We all had gone through a lot of hurt over the last several weeks and what we needed was to experience the JOY of adoption. We wanted to take our kids with us. I mean, how could I be away from them again!?
I told Heidi that I would give Danny a call and would call her back with more details. It didn't take long for us to book our flights for the next day out of Omaha and to start packing bags for the entire family!
Two days after getting home, we decided to get away for a day with the kids and try to have fun. It would take our mind off of things for a few hours and we’d be able to see them smile. We went a children's museum and it was just what we needed. We hadn't talked much since flying home and the hour drive MADE us talk. It gave us the opportunity to talk to our kids about what had happened and what the future of our family looked like. It helped us sort through our feelings and be hopeful. We wanted to be positive, so our kids would be.
We actually had fun as a family. I remember catching myself laughing a few times and wondering if that was "okay." Shouldn't I still be heartbroken? Shouldn't I just be silent? Was it okay to smile even though inside I was still hurting?
I realized this was the best medicine for me. God was going to get us through this pain and JOY would come again. His plan was for our family to adopt and that plan had not changed. He was at work even though His plans were not yet clear to us.
Later that afternoon we got a call from our social worker checking to see how we were doing. Honestly, we were doing okay. Okay as we could be after the week we had went through. We talked for a bit and towards the end of our conversation she said "I know this may seem like a strange question to ask and maybe you are not ready to answer, but when do you think you will be ready to show your profile book again? When would you like us to start showing your family? Do you need more time to heal, or would you like us to start showing your book right away?" It was not what I was expecting from our call, but WITHOUT A DOUBT I knew that we were ready. I didn't even have to talk to Danny about this. Were we still hurting? Yes. But were we ready to be parents to a child that needed us, just as much as we needed them? Our heartbreak did not change the reality that we were ready. I replied "YES!" and shared with her why were felt this way. We knew it may be a long road ahead, but that was the night we turned our sorrow into HOPE and prayed fervently that God would bring JOY into our lives once again in HIS timing.
Hi, I'm Kansas! I wish we could be doing this face to face over coffee. Maybe someday, till then this will have to do!