Danny could tell something was wrong by the way I responded and pulled over into a parking lot. All I remember hearing was her shaky voice saying "Kansas, I'm so sorry to have to be the one to call and tell you this, but she has changed her mind."
TIME STOOD STILL. (She didn't just say that, this wasn't happening, I misunderstood her, this could NOT be real.)
All I remember saying was "No, No, No. I don't want to give him back! Do I have to? How can this happen?" Honestly I don't really recall how many times I told her no, as if I even had a say. But that was my reaction. I was his mom and that was how I felt. I know I didn't say much more than that. I was bawling. Hysterically bawling and could barely get the words out to tell Danny what she just told me. I didn't want to tell him, because then it really would be real. He knew though. He knew without me saying a word. Our phone call didn't last long since Heidi knew I was not in the state of mind to talk. She told me she'd give us time.
We were JUST on our way to celebrate with our son and in a matter of SECONDS, life changed. I remember hanging up the phone and looking at our son asleep in the back seat. I DID NOT WANT TO GIVE HIM BACK. There had to be something we could do or say, right?!?! Danny held me. We could barely talk, nor did we know what we were suppose to do next. Danny took over and called our agency to talk about what just happened. I just sat in the passenger seat while he drove back to our host home, crying out to God to change what just happened. I don't think I had ever literally cried out to God that much in my life. Never did I feel so hopeless, confused, and devastated. I just remember calling my dad, (like a little girl would) crying out to him, asking him to help us. Begging him to pray, begging him to have the whole family pray, begging him to make things right. He couldn't. I knew that. I just so desperately wanted someone to tell me it's going to be okay and I wouldn't have to give my son back.
Then I texted Jerik's birth mom. Not knowing how or even if she would respond, I felt like it was my only hope. Maybe, JUST MAYBE if I talked with her she would change her mind.
Hi, I'm Kansas! I wish we could be doing this face to face over coffee. Maybe someday, till then this will have to do!