I will be honest, it’s still hard for me to write and want to recall this. It STILL breaks my heart and brings me to tears, because it’s real. I don't think it will ever be "easy."
I texted Jerik's birth mom numerous times, just BEGGING her to change her mind and asking if she was sure. I know, that may sound crazy but I was desperate to not lose my son, and as his mom I was willing to try anything. It didn't work. She was currently in FL and on her way back to NC to pick him up. It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and I didn't know what to do.
The agency asked that we spend the night with Jerik, as they too tried to talk with his birth mom. The said they would call us in the morning and tell us what we needed to do. NEEDED TO DO?!?! Do we really NEED to do this? There had to be a way we could stop this from happening!
We arrived back at our host home, walked in the door, and I burst into tears as our host mom came towards me. I could barely get out what happened and she held me, just like my mom would. She was my mom in that moment. A mom that would hold me, cry with me, and pray over us. She did just that, as Danny held our son and explained our situation.
Once again, God provided what we needed in that very moment. We spent some time with her before going upstairs to our room to be alone and talk. It was the LONGEST night of our lives. We spent the entire night awake, in prayer, and crying/screaming out to God. I literally was on the floor crying out to God like never before. It's sad, that it took getting to this point to cry out to Him in this way, but He was the only one that could change this situation and knew the desires of my heart. He knew how badly I loved Jerik, so why would this be happening? I would do ANYTHING for our son, but does this mean giving him back? How could He allow this to take place? I was unstable. I knew it. I became closed up, silent, scared, afraid to get even more attached, sick, confused, heartbroken, distraught, and Danny held me together. He was my rock that night and cared for Jerik when I physically could not. I needed God more than anything that night to give me strength.
Hi, I'm Kansas! I wish we could be doing this face to face over coffee. Maybe someday, till then this will have to do!