We pulled up to the agency & quite honestly, I didn't want to open the car door. I literally remember thinking, can we just run away with him? (My mind was not in the right state and I was DESPERATE and willing to do ANYTHING to keep my son, but I knew that was not an option.) We got out and took Jerik out of this carseat. I knew that I had to leave his carseat in the car, because walking out of the agency with an empty carseat would make it ten times harder. Sobbing, we walked into the agency as they opened the doors for us, not saying a word. They directed us to the conference room where we all sat down around a table. Doris, the director of the adoption agency, began to talk to us. I have NO idea what she said, I didn't care. I just stared at our son asleep in my arms, dreading the minutes that were passing by. After 15 minutes of talking, a foster mom showed up to take Jerik home and my heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest. It was happening. It was time.
I handed him over to Danny so he could say his goodbyes. We stood there together holding each other while looking down at our son in tears. It was a beautiful moment but the most painful moment we’ve ever experienced. Danny then handed him over to me. He stayed sleeping. I so badly wanted to see his brown eyes one last time looking up at me, but I also wanted him to stay sleeping since I thought this would make things easier.
The last thing I did was silently say a prayer to God asking Him to be in that moment, to help me do this. I walked toward the social worker and whispered in Jerik's ear one last time.
"I'm not giving you back, I'm just giving you over to God."
That's all I could say. That was the ONLY thing getting me through that moment. Knowing that he was FOREVER God's son regardless of where he was. I kissed his precious lips and handed him to her.
Hi, I'm Kansas! I wish we could be doing this face to face over coffee. Maybe someday, till then this will have to do!