We slowly walked out of the room as I took one more glance at our son. I felt paralyzed as they led us to the director’s office. We spent 15 minutes in there as they spoke with us, I don't remember a single word. They were trying to make us feel better, but nothing in that moment was going to take away my pain or make me feel better.
In less than an hour after arriving at the agency, we were back in our vehicle empty handed, broken hearted, and with an empty infant carrier in the back. Danny and I didn't say much to each other, we just cried. We returned our rental vehicle and got a ride to the airport. I had to face the reality that we had to walk back into the airport with an empty carseat. I know this may not seem like much to anyone else, but to me it was CRUSHING. I was so scared that someone was going to ask "Where is your baby?" "Why do you have an empty carseat?" or make some comment they didn’t realize would send me into full on tears. I didn't want to make eye contact with anyone.
Thankfully, Danny was my rock once again and he carried the carseat as we walked into the airport to check in. In that moment, God showed up in a big way. He knew just what we needed and it was a kindhearted check-in clerk that seemed to "know" what to say and what to do. She asked if we wanted to check the carseat, no questions asked. This was something that was not asked to us flying out to NC so I was not expecting that option, but was SO glad we didn't have to carry it.
After checking in we went up to our gate to wait for our flight home. I will never forget sitting down in the cafe forcing myself to eat. The restaurant worker was also Jesus to me in that moment, she spoke to me with love, kindness, and compassion. She obviously could tell something was wrong and for some odd reason I felt peace while we sat there. She talked to me, brought me a drink, and just cared.
Then it was time to fly home and leave NC. As much as I wanted to fly home as fast as I could, there was also a part of me that didn't ever want to leave NC. That would make this all so much more real and I still did not want to face that.
Hi, I'm Kansas! I wish we could be doing this face to face over coffee. Maybe someday, till then this will have to do!